Riverdale

What's your damage, Heather? Despite the fact that Salome can't say her favorite line from Heathers on this family website, she enjoys Riverdale's musical take on this week. How very.

FP celebrates his 50th birthday and Riverdale airs its 50th episode this week. Also, grown people dress up in costumes to fight a child. So, it's Riverdale.

Betty takes another drastic measure in her anti-Farm campaign and Archie gets burned again while trying to do the right thing. It feels like we're treading water, but at least there's a late appearance by Fred to break your heart.

I'm going to hop in that trough myself if the next episode isn't better than this.

Riverdale tries another experimental episode this week and this time, it doesn't end with Salome hurling anything across the Cult of Whatever bunker. (She's small, but freakishly strong.)

Riverdale throws all its plotlines into the mix this week in an homage to film noir that Salome knows is trouble the minute it walks in.

There's a new sheriff in town (again) this week on Riverdale. It has been 56 days since our last sheriff.

Get your Riverdale Vixens funeral uniform ready, because the show might be saying goodbye to a major character. (They probably won't, but get your kit ready, just in case.)

This week, we keep up with the Joneses, while back in Riverdale proper, the first phase of Hiram's plan snaps into place and it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. But I'm sure there will be a cuckoo bananas explanation for it later, though. Also, not to be dramatic, but I would kill the Gargoyle King for Vegas.

This week on an uneven Riverdale, Archie and Jughead light out for the territory ahead and Veronica is terrible at running her bad idea of a business, but no one is having a worse time than the institutionalized poor Betty.

We're still no closer to finding out who the Gargoyle King is, as another Riverdale resident dies and the danger only increases. Maybe the real Gargoyle King is the friends we made along the way. (Probably not, though.)

Absolutely nothing believable happens in this week's Riverdale, outside of Tom and Sierra's engagement, and it is a delight to watch.

Tie a flannel shirt around your waist and crank up the Nirvana, 'cause this week's Riverdale is a blast from the past, as we find out why the town parents are so freaked out by the revival of Gryphons and Gargoyles.

Jughead and Betty make a little headway in their investigation of how the game fits in with the Farm, but for some reason, the show thinks we're more interested in Veronica's not-bar plot.

A Gargoyle King appears, as Dilton's and Ben's fates are revealed, and we find out this might not be a new threat. Also, Archie gives a speech that made me die. Again.

Salome G [the G is for Gargoyle] reviews the third season premiere of Riverdale, the show that is never extra. *babies float in mid-air*

In the Riverdale season finale, the kids are alright. Or they would be, if they weren't surrounded by so many awful adults.

Riverdale juggles all of its many storylines this week and they don't drop a single one!

Riverdale doesn't need the Black Hood to start chaos--it can do bad all by itself.