The Redman Report: WWE Smackdown 29/7/11: COLE IS KILLING THIS SHOW

Seriously, Cole is destroying this show for me. Thank God for Mark Henry. And other fine men as well.

Time to play the Game! This was all so very…whatever. Hunter took an inordinate amount of time (well, maybe not for him) to put himself over here, which is fine in the first week to establish things but going forward has to be eliminated as a segment idea. He did definitely say that he had resigned CM Punk on Monday, and they’ll resolve the WWE Title situation on Raw. Also, Christian vs Orton will be blown off at Summerslam. THANK THE FREAKING LORD.

Truth! I loved how Hunter rolled his eyes when he came out. More good stuff between these two. And Morrison/Christian sounds tasty.

ZACK RYDER! ON TV! ON SMACKDOWN! TALKING! Woah. WOAH. OK, Smackdown, I take it all back, I love you. This is awesome. Zack being able to talk every week, I love it. I approve of you Hunter! Zack needs to talk and fist bump Teddy every week, and Teddy needs to stoneface and shake his head every week. Marvellous.

Christian vs Morrison was a great TV match. These two can work together forever. Some cool stuff, Morrison bumped around a hell of a lot, and since his injury my mother is now totally sold on any time Morrison bumps his neck or sells, which is excellent. Really good final stretch too, with Morrison’s Angry FOREARMS on top and attempting his finish into the NECK SNAP, which was amazingly effective. Great stuff.

Barrett’s promo ruled. The heel route of “I want to win titles and make money” is so underutilised these days its ridiculous, but Barrett is one who has always grasped that and tried to stick to it. Then his Bryan burial which brought Bryan and actually he cut his own good promo, before the HUGE BARRETT PUNCH and Bryan comes out on top as the babyface “f*ck you”. That was all great and would have been fine, without COLE BITCHING AND SCREAMING AND BURYING OVER THE TOP OF IT. FOR F*CKS SAKE. When Bryan was making his verbal comeback and Cole is screaming “FLUKE FLUKE FLUKE!” over the top of a guy trying to cut a promo…what the F*CK. F*CK OFF. This guy is seriously making me not want to watch this show entirely, which is bullsh*t. ARGH.

I love them doing the Vader angle with Mark Henry, that Teddy cant book him because any prospective opponents are too scared of him now after his tear of destruction.

I’ve just realised that AJ looks like Christina…Somethingorother, that girl who sings “Jar of Hearts”. This match was fine, nothing to it. Cole still sucks.

The Justin Gabes video from South Africa RULED. Awesome way to give him a bit of something before you put him on TV as a babyface. He comes off as such a nice fella.

The angle they shot this jobber with coming out, he literally looked like a midget. Like a little person. Great camera work. Henry being all “I want competition!” was great. And he KILLED this poor bugger. The WSSs and then the backbreaker looked awesome. And again, I love the idea that Teddy doesnt know what the f*ck to do with this out of control monster.

And Babyface Sheamus! Woo! Good decision. He gets instant cool factor by standing up to Henry, and he was getting cheered a little anyway. The ‘old Irish story’ thing was a bit…OK, but in general, he can talk and if he just says “fella” as much as possible, he’ll be great. And the prospect of Sheamus and Henry having BIG MAN BATTLES is awesome.

Usos did all they could with the tag champs in 3 minutes, but man these guys just suck. Hope they dont abandon the Usos though, they’re great.

Randy Orton GON’ GET GOT. I love me some Truth.

Its so sad what has happened to Cody. 6 months ago he was the Greatest Man in the Entire World. Now I literally dont give a single crap about him anymore, let alone anyone else in this match. Not to mention Michael f*cking Cole. Meh.

Jinder. Bleh.

Orton vs Truth was a surprisingly good main event. Some good stuff, and good heat. Truth is a heel who actually gets the crowd to react to him, whether laughing or booing. Fun match, and then the finish actually makes sense if they’re continuing with the Orton IED angle for the blow-off. Loved the Water Bottle of Doom and Orton is all like “…a WATER BOTTLE?! F*ck you! But first…a sip. OK, now f*ck you!” for the DQ. Totally loved the continuation of the “ONE MORE TIME!” gimmick, I think they realised how cool it was at the PPV and it was again here. Love Orton’s crazy ecstatic face, going crazy and getting off at being so over at the same time. And Christian sees the second one and just kind of cradles the title belt in his arms, like he knew he was f*cked. Good stuff all round here.

But f*ck a Michael Cole, seriously.