TNA Telegraph: Impact 7th April 2011 – Insert HEEL here!

Welcome along to the first TNA Telegraph blog entry! Each week I’ll be taking an in-depth look at Impact as well as any TNA PPV’s that I can get my grubby little mitts on. I think I should start with a little disclaimer that I’ve only just begun watching TNA recently. That basically means I don’t have the full background on a lot of the wrestlers, their gimmicks or angles. I may well say something doesn’t make sense that has been explained in an older Impact, just bear with me until I’m totally up to speed!

Also, even if I say something negative it’s not because I don’t like TNA. Along with a lot of people, I suspect, I want TNA to be good. I want it to be at the very least as watchable as the WWE is even if it can’t rise up to challenge Vinne Mac’s promotion.

One last thing, I’ll be covering Impact ahead of time for those of you in the UK, you know, spoilers and such apply to this blog.

We’re opening up with Fortune in the ring with Chris Daniels on the mic. I do love Fortune’s entrance theme, custom music rocks. The Fortune hand gesture makes them all look like careless lumberjacks though. Chris Daniels makes me think TNA have signed Michael Stipe from R.E.M. Nice that Daniels actually asks to sub into Fortune rather than it just “happening”.

Well, I do wish TNA agreed what their cues are because they do tend to jump the music of people interjecting into a situation all over someone talking. Don’t know if that’s an attempt to be more real but it comes across as poor production.

Had a chuckle at Flair basically slating Daniels is a no-body and flashing his H.O.F ring. There’s no crying in wrestling! Flairs quotes the Big Show, love it. Flair as the manager of the group of three from Immortal is seriously smart idea and it’s what WWE should have done with Flair in Evolution and not had him wrestle as much.

Who the hell is the network? At least the anonymous RAW GM kind of makes sense but why refer to Immortal as having all the power only for the network to overrule them. And so Hogan comes out and says he has all the power and yet does exactly what the “network” wants. Did Bully Ray just insinuate that Daniels can fellate himself? “Head between your legs and leave”? For a man who shaves his head between his crown and sideburns he’s awfully picky about how Daniels looks! Solid start to the show though.

Anderson sure does talk to himself a lot… and sings to himself too. Back into Hogan’s office and now Hogan says the network has all the power. God Bischoff looks oooooolllllddddd and also doesn’t really want to answer what Hogan said but that could well be the old age. Nearly took off Hogan’s nameplate when he slammed that door too.

I just can’t get into Mexican America; the whole gimmick is so blatantly about fearing immigrants that it’s not even funny. Did Dreamer just drop Anarchea in a scoop slam? Dreamer sold a shove like a punch, what a pro. Anarchea slaps the floor mat for daring to break his fall so silently and Dreamer can’t decide whether to sell the post shot or the steel steps and that confuses Taz. Post match Hernandez allows his partner to get clocked by Morgan and stands there and then lets him get a chokeslam. You wonder what’s in this for Anarchea.

Winter, now she’s supposed to be British right? Why does she sound like Dick van Dyke with a side of South African thrown in? Angelina Love looks like something from one of those “Meth: Not Even Once” posters.

Joe jobs Murphy and chases after Pope. If you had to be chased by anyone you’d probably choose Joe. He’s surely going to drop dead or get distracted by a cheeseburger or something.

Why does Anderson insist on doing his “announcer” voice when he shouts backstage? It makes him sound demented.

Can someone feed a few of Joe’s cheeseburgers to Angelina Love? Velvet looks hot though. Taz shows his lack of knowledge of the female anatomy with the atomic drop from Velvet Sky, girls apparently not having any genitals in Brooklyn. Winter shows us how wring out a dishcloth which causes Love to attack Sky which gets a decent reaction from the crowd.

Ah, nice to see pro-wrestling dealing with homosexuality in a mature and reasonable way. Never mind. I have nothing against the double entendre but there’s no need to labour the point with the makeup and stupid outfits.

RVD and pot references is always an easy way to go but “it’s 4:20 and you’re about the get smoked” did make me smile. That’s a proper beat down from Rob on Anderson, actually very well done. Given the crowd’s reaction was positive towards Van Dam the fact they insist on keeping Anderson face is astounding.

We’re treated to a  video package. We’re seeing is a nice run down of the Sting/Anderson/Van Dam feud but seems like this should have gone on sometime around the first Anderson/Love Note segment. Can’t help but feel though that it deserved a bit better production than it got though.

Sting to the ring in his effeminate Toreador outfit (actually can you get more effeminate than the usual Toreador outfit). Really love RVD’s entrance music, big pop for RVD as well. Bit of a lol moment for Sting apologising for beating the snot out of RVD with a baseball bat like he’d borrowed his stapler. Oooh, insider references from RVD to the undercard, several smarks pass out in joy.

Hogan and Bischoff out and Hogan makes RVD V Sting for tonight. Now call me cynical but I can’t see this being either a clean match or ending decisively given the PPV match at Lockdown. Still the crowd appreciate it.

Ok so as stated I’ve no idea of what the relationship between Madison and Tara is so the segment seemed really weird to me given the obvious size difference between the two. Madison does a Vickie Guererro impression “Excuse me!!”. Tara was good at scrubbing toilets? Really? And there they go on the slowest performance motorcycle in the world. Maybe they’re off to get Angelina those cheeseburgers.

TNA are running a Jersey Shore gimmick? At least the WWE gets the real thing even if we don’t want them to! Kendrick’s clothes fall off on the way to the ring. I Like Sabin’s spiky hoody. Suicide flies into the ring which looked nice. I guess that’s the positive of being in the same venue each week that you know that spot will always be available.

Kendrick looks good in the ring and the synchronised cross bodies from Suicide and Sabin were sweet. Max “I look nothing like Eddie from Charles and Eddie” Buck takes out his little bro to cost their team the match. Now I get that he’s supposed to be a d*ck but really why cost yourself the match? Feels like snap booking when really you can have the same action and still have the heel team win heelishly.

So into Hogan’s office we go and somebody slaps two guys in the face for something I’m not really sure off. Well one of them jobbed to Samoa Joe earlier on but that’s about all I get about him and the other is Rob Terry who appears to be made entirely out of raw steak.

They leave as Mr Anderson enters and promises himself to Hogan if he can ref the main event tonight. Hogan agrees so I assume we’re supposed to infer that Anderson is now part of Immortal? Well, it at least explains why they can put on Sting V RVD for the main event.

And now we cut to the parking lot and the leftovers from a sorority party? Nope, looks like Tara and Madison have run over Mickie James with the bike. Kinda like the suicide bomber approach to vehicular manslaughter. Madison runs off leaving Tara to pick up the one massive piece of evidence that it was them. The camera man rushes over to check if she is alright whilst still filming, that’s dedication folks.

Some adverts and we cut back to Al Snow MD and amateur hypnotist helping Mickie and making everyone around him repeat the words “Stay still, don’t move”. Mickie fails to stay still and not move.

Bully Ray V Daniels is on and it’s now a lumberjack match though we’re a little short on lumberjacks. Good match until Hogan comes out on a ref bump and hits Daniels with Bully Ray’s chain. Makes sense after the network putting Daniels into TNA but it goes back to my point that Hogan saying he’s got all the power at the start was totally counterproductive. The Network is supposed to temper Hogan’s ability to do stuff so for me Hogan should always be seen to be angry at their decisions.

Ok, so let me start of by saying I can’t stand the Jarrett and Angle storyline. It’s got zero personality to it because only the murkiest of marks doesn’t get the Angle has to agree to this for it to take place. There are three sides of the cage up which.. Well it’s obvious something is coming in through the open side.

And Angle’s sliding into the ring Suicide style! Still enjoyable if a little predictable. The last side goes up in 30 seconds after waiting ten minutes which is pure pro-wrestling magic. Jarrett gets out of the cage in about 3 seconds which technically means that segment is a win for Jeff right?

Dear god, the network again? A secret added stipulation to the Jarret and Angle match. Well, now my interest really has peaked….

Main event up now, Anderson selling the beatdown like he totally didn’t do when he went to see Hogan. RVD in first and Sting next. There’s still 7 minutes of show left which means the match with the most obvious outcome has the most air time by the looks of things. As you’d guess Anderson stops selling the beating the moment the match starts because being a ref is a bit like becoming Wolverine. Ha, the fast 10 count from Anderson was amusing though. Scorpion Death Drop from Sting but immediately taken out by Anderson with the mic check. RVD hits the frog splash for the win. Ok, so the match took 3 minutes and add another minute for Anderson laying out RVD with the belt so how are we filling the time? Murphy and Terry out and hold Anderson above their heads. Crowd solidly booing Anderson now which is the biggest reaction he got all night in reality. Did anyone else start scratching when Anderson started to scratch the two guys backs.

Annnd Anderson takes out Terry and Murphy in the most predictable way turning Hogan into a Tourettes sufferer as we go off air.

So overall this show was pretty average for the main with a few segments that were either totally needless or didn’t end up adding anything to the angles. TNA had a great chance to turn Anderson heel which is what that angle needs and yet totally predictably given the amount of time left he goes back to being face. The 6 man tag was pretty good in places but the ending was silly.

A lot of people have said the knockouts are a high point of TNA but in the last 3 weeks I’ve seen one match which lasted about 1 minute. The Love triangle just doesn’t work for me, drugging the drink of Angelina is just such a tired device really. Plus I can’t see why you’d choose Love over Velvet Sky, Love looks like she hasn’t slept for a year.

The only thing the really works well is the Immortal/Fortune angle which is simple and is being worked well by the guys in it. Bully Ray on the mic has been good and once Hogan has been used right in the interference this week. The triple Face main event angle is getting tiring because who knows who we’re really supposed to cheer in the end. RVD comes across as the most over with the crowd so why not let Anderson be heel where I think he’d sit much better with his whole “assh*le” gimmick.  A bit of a “could do better” week all in all but watchable none the less.